Getting ready: continuing the conversation

"Butting heads" by isadoreberg, flickr

A recent blog entry introduced the topic of talking to loved ones about difficult issues in aging. But it's a conversation that needs revisiting often.

One of the most thoughtful writers about Boomer children and their aging parents is David Solie, author of How To Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders. His most recent blog entry, How do we get them to move? answers bluntly the question so many of us have: we don’t.

“Older adults see where they live as the Alamo and will make their last stand defending it. We advance with logic, manipulations, and threats and they use any means at their disposal to repel us.”

The problem, he says, is that the children see themselves as managers of a situation, while their parents see themselves as preservers. We (the children) want to manage to avoid the inevitable disaster. They (our parents) want to preserve what they know far better than we do will soon enough be lost. Home, health, loved ones, mobility: “Having any of these another day is invaluable victory in the final phase of life.”

So we are left in a holding pattern. What do we do during that time? Put aside persuasion in favor of listening. Celebrate each good day as a gift. And help them—and ourselves—get ready to move when the time comes.

As mentioned in the earlier blog, My way: A workbook for planning and living life your way is an outstanding resource to aid in getting ready and shifting from conflict to partnership. It’s available from the Aging Resource Center of Milwaukee County and was presented at the May member meeting of the Milwaukee Aging Consortium. Another great resource is the 40/70 Rule Guide to Conversations brochure from Home Instead Senior Care.

Tell us your experiences with talking, listening, planning, and getting through the changes that come!

Something good about aging

Blissed out in Natalie's Chicken Blog

Things change with aging, and even, sometimes, for the good.

University of Texas sociologists Catherine Ross and John Mirowsky found that around age 60, people begin to report "more feelings of ease and contentment than their younger counterparts." Their study "Age and the balance of emotions" appeared in Social Science and Medicine in May 2008. More about it here.

The researchers also found a shift from "active" emotions such as excitement to "passive ones" like serenity. Talking about that might be a little tricky, since it seems to require some adjusting of a cultural bias that active is good, passive is bad, and excitement trumps all. Adding to the complexity is the need to consider that positive and negative things can happen at the same time. Pub Med's abstract writer puts it this way: "In order to accurately portray the shifts in emotional tone, age may best be considered as simultaneously indicating maturity and decline."

It's not scientific, but I've found that getting older makes it a lot easier not to sweat the small stuff--and to know that most of it is indeed small stuff.

And serenity is definitely something to look forward to.

"We do our best and lean on each other"

The popular press coverage of aging falls mainly into two camps: 1) fight it/beat it and 2) what to do when you can't anymore.

At the May 8 Milwaukee Aging Consortium member meeting, a panel of experts entered the important middle space between resistance and resignation. Critical conversations: helping families and elders get ready for transitions went beyond advance directives for the very end of life to address planning for a longer period of change. Panelists and audience considered the questions:

• How do we think about the time of many transitions during the last developmental stages of life?

• How do we talk to our older clients and relatives about making practical decisions that honor their desire for control?

On the same day as the meeting, Kathleen Merryman told a story in the Tacoma News Tribune that illustrates the problems of unanticipated change. The account of a recent shift in her family's universe begins, "Two months ago, in a Maverick gas station in Bridger, Montana, my dad backed into a post and shattered his sanity."

Merryman's 79-year-old father, who planned to live forever, was returning from a doctor's appointment with the news that he had not only an infection but an aortic aneurysm. The collision with a post marked what Merryman's mother described as "all the bonds of reason in his brain shred(ding) at once."

The collision was not caused by the aneurysm rupturing. The impact caused no physical damage to Merryman's father or mother who was also in the car. The cause of the sudden change was and remains a mystery.

But at least metaphorically, in losing his image of himself, he became someone else mentally and emotionally, someone living in a hell populated by delusions. His wife and children (one lawyer, two nurses, and others) were able to move swiftly through the maze of care options and changing housing and financial needs.

Even with the best of family support, the call for strength in the face of interpersonal friction and fatigue stunned the family. They now know "With aging, we do our best and lean on each other."

No matter how much planning has gone on, a sudden change for the worse is devastating. Unlike this story, the sudden changes in aging often follow a longer period of unrecognized decline. But having deep and honest conversations about what really matters and how to support basic values and desires can go a long way toward easing the pain.

It's probably a good idea to decide that "don't put me in a nursing home, ever" isn't the end of the conversation. It's just the beginning.

Some resources from the meeting to help in starting and sustaining the conversations include My Way, an in-depth planning tool from the Milwaukee County Department on Aging, and two documents developed by Home Instead Senior Care: 40-70 Rule 7 Tips (for conversations between Boomers and their parents), and the 40-70 Rule Guide booklet.