Getting ready: continuing the conversation

"Butting heads" by isadoreberg, flickr

A recent blog entry introduced the topic of talking to loved ones about difficult issues in aging. But it's a conversation that needs revisiting often.

One of the most thoughtful writers about Boomer children and their aging parents is David Solie, author of How To Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders. His most recent blog entry, How do we get them to move? answers bluntly the question so many of us have: we don’t.

“Older adults see where they live as the Alamo and will make their last stand defending it. We advance with logic, manipulations, and threats and they use any means at their disposal to repel us.”

The problem, he says, is that the children see themselves as managers of a situation, while their parents see themselves as preservers. We (the children) want to manage to avoid the inevitable disaster. They (our parents) want to preserve what they know far better than we do will soon enough be lost. Home, health, loved ones, mobility: “Having any of these another day is invaluable victory in the final phase of life.”

So we are left in a holding pattern. What do we do during that time? Put aside persuasion in favor of listening. Celebrate each good day as a gift. And help them—and ourselves—get ready to move when the time comes.

As mentioned in the earlier blog, My way: A workbook for planning and living life your way is an outstanding resource to aid in getting ready and shifting from conflict to partnership. It’s available from the Aging Resource Center of Milwaukee County and was presented at the May member meeting of the Milwaukee Aging Consortium. Another great resource is the 40/70 Rule Guide to Conversations brochure from Home Instead Senior Care.

Tell us your experiences with talking, listening, planning, and getting through the changes that come!