Close to home

There are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers; those who are currently caregivers; those who will be caregivers; those who will need caregivers.

Oh boyhowdy, was Rosalynn Carter right about that!

There’s another group, though: those of us who should – or would like to - be caregivers but can’t and feel guilty about it.

I’m in that group. While Mom lives independently in senior apartments, she can’t drive anymore and needs help with transportation and other things. Because she lives in Oshkosh, and because I’m a sandwicher with kids still at home, my sister and niece share the privilege and responsibility. I know my sister is overwhelmed sometimes, and tired often.

A friend of mine e-mailed me today to explain that she wasn’t coming to our women’s group meeting tonight because she was in California. Her mother had a bad fall and had been having a rocky recuperation.

I'm flying back to Milwaukee Wednesday. My sister-in-law will be here for a couple of days. The big question then becomes whether or not Mom and William will accept the amount of home-health assistance Mom really requires for as long as she requires it.

Concerns about caregiving are everywhere, if you talk to people long enough. Without a “seamless” system of caregiving, everyone has to figure out how to patch together a net of help that eventually goes beyond family and friends.

The umbrella name for all that’s needed, I’ve recently learned, is longterm care. I used to think that meant nursing homes!

In Milwaukee County, we’re fortunate to have Connecting Caring Communities to help in “developing partnerships to improve long term care and supportive services systems to meet the current and future needs of older adults” and in getting the word out on longterm care.

And then there's Elderlink, a great centralized source of information and assistance. Calling 414-289-6874 opens the doors of information to the county's older people and those who are helping them.

Maybe later we can talk about the two elephants in the room when we're on the subject of caregivers this subject. The first is public policy for a national system of caregiving: there isn’t one.

The second is gender: caregiving is largely a woman’s issue. The white paper Caregiving in America, prepared in conjunction with the Caregiving Project for Older Americans and available online, found that 90% of unpaid caregivers are women. And most of the people they care for are women. Especially when you enter the domain of the old old, those over age 85.

Mom, if you're reading this: you don't look old old, though I know sometimes you feel it.